A friend of mine was late meeting me the other day.
She rushed in, harried, and apologized for losing track of time. She explained that her ailing mother’s aide had called, and she needed to help her mother with something.
My friend’s energy was unsettled and stressed, and so after asking if everything was ok now, I asked her if she had seen my text, which I had sent well before our scheduled meeting to let her know to arrive 10 minutes early.
I assumed that had she seen my text, it would have reminded her about our plans and prompted her to let me know she was running late.
She looked at me and said:
“When I’m in the middle of that, I’m so overwhelmed I can’t pay attention to anything else”.
Her response landed heavily on me.
Because this friend also has children (and is a single mom).
And it got me wondering…
She is part of what many call the sandwich generation adults caring for aging parents while still raising their own children. And the burnout that comes with it is more common than most people talk about.
How many parents are walking around feeling exactly like my friend? So overwhelmed by
everyone else’s needs they stop noticing their own.
What happens when your aging parent needs something, your child needs something, your
phone is buzzing, you have a work meeting or somewhere to be (or just need a break), and everyone seems to need you at the exact same moment?
When everyone needs you at once, there are hidden consequences.
Place Your Own Oxygen Mask First
It’s not just that you’re busy.
Sandwich generation burnout is not just exhaustion. It is what happens when your nervous system never gets a chance to recover.
Your nervous system is carrying the constant responsibility of anticipating needs, solving
problems, managing emotions, and staying alert for what might need your attention next.
This state of hypervigilance works like an alarm for your nervous system that gets stuck in “on”
mode, keeping your brain in a state of reactivity. For parents, nervous system overload can look
like:
- Feeling overwhelmed by small requests
- Snapping more easily than you’d like
- Difficulty concentrating
- Being forgetful
- Feeling touched out, talked out, and decisioned out
- Wanting everyone to leave you alone and stop needing something for you, even for five
minutes.
And then, your child asks for a snack, assistance with homework, needs help looking for
something, or just has a meltdown of their own, and it can feel like one demand too many.
Because your nervous system is already at capacity…Your patience is thinner, your reactions
bigger, and before you know it, you lose it. You don’t lose it because you’re a bad parent. You were never meant to be on call for everyone all the time.
Then your child loses it, and now neither of you is having your best moment.
A child’s nervous system is not fully developed, and young children borrow their caregiver’s nervous system before they learn to manage their own. This process is called co-regulation.
Children are constantly looking to us, our facial expressions, tone of voice, and energy for cues about whether they’re safe and how to respond to what’s happening around them.
When we’re calm, our children can borrow that calm. When we’re overwhelmed, stressed, and running on empty, they often feel that too.
When you are on an airplane, you are admonished to put on your own oxygen mask before helping those around you.
Caregivers’ nervous systems matter too. They need rest, support, connection, and recovery.
When those needs go unmet for too long, the effects show up everywhere. The irony is that the people who spend the most time caring for everyone else are often expected to need the least care themselves.
Preserving your sanity starts with recognizing that your capacity is not infinite.
Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself, and your family is built in moments of self-care and moments when you’re not responsible for anyone else’s needs.
A nervous system that never gets a chance to recover eventually starts to protest.
And often, it protests through overwhelm, irritability, exhaustion, and disconnection.
The goal isn’t becoming a caregiver who can handle more.
It’s recognizing that your needs matter too, because when caregivers are supported, everyone benefits. The list of what counts as self-care is endless (and personal). You can explore some ideas and learn why taking care ofyourself isn’t selfish, it’s essential here.
Caregiving feels different when you’re not carrying it all alone. If you’re ready for more support, calm, and connection, consider consulting a professional or reach out to the author via the links below:
Andrea (Scopp) Robbins, M. Ed
Parent Coach
The author operates Parenting Vistas and advises parents on family life and communications
